Accidental Hero

James says don't believe the hype. Behind the marketing blurb there is a stonking motorcycle...just maybe not in the way you thought...

Words and pics by James Clark

2008 Moto Guzzi Stelvio 1200 8v

Here’s an odd thing. The reason Guzzi’s Stelvio came into being can be traced back to a moment in a somewhat plush West London lock-up a few years ago when an odd Dutch man annoyed two other men. The Dutch man was from off-road biking maestros KTM. The two men were Charley Boorman and Ewan McGregor.

It was the moment that KTM, in what may well come to be regarded as one of the worst decisions in motorcycle marketing history, decided that the trip which was to become known as “The Long Way Round” was unlikely to succeed and they didn’t wish to be associated with failure. In stepped BMW, providing three (or, if you like a conspiracy theory, eight) R1200-GS Adventures. Five years later and the monster Beemers, costing on average £12,300 when kitted, are not only the best-selling bike the Bavarians make, but one of the best selling bikes on the planet. They have also redefined UK motorcycling. Not because they’re so good (although, let’s be honest, they are) but because they were in the right place at the right time.

The Boorman/McGregor shenanigans came about at the same time as the sports bike was becoming semi-obsolete. In Britain the virus-like spread of Gatsos, the decreasing quality of our roads, the massive growth in traffic and the increasing average age of bikers were combining to render desperately uncomfortable rocket-ships less and less relevant to the top-end market (where big money is spent, and bikes are changed most often). People wanted something they could do miles on, something which allowed them to walk when they dismounted and something which wouldn’t see them lose their licence in three months, but remained a good, fun ride.
The problem was that such bikes, and there always have been such bikes, were anything but cool. They had no image. As marketers say, “what’s the offer?” There wasn’t one.

And then Charley pulled some wheelies and Ewan fell off a lot, and there was the offer. The GS. An adventurer’s bike. A bike owned by folk who may be commuting on the M40 but might be crossing Kenya tomorrow. Add to this the fact that they were great bikes, regardless of their real-world off-road ability, and the zeitgeist did the rest. They simply walked out of showrooms as fast as BMW could make them. Still do.

Realising that this wasn’t a fad, eventually, others started getting in on the game. The Japanese were first, and the latest GS wannabe will emerge from Ducati some time soon. In the middle of these, Moto Guzzi produced the Stelvio. Have you seen one reviewed? If you have, chances are it was in a group test with a GS, a KTM 990 Adventure and something else. And chances are it came last. The new NTX is said to be a deal better, but it doesn’t matter.

That will come last too. Why? Because the moment you take a Stelvio near anything muddy, it falls over. It is, and let’s not mess about here, consummately awful off-road. Terrible. Terrifying. Dangerous. Useless. A GS isn’t much better, unless you’re genuinely skilled, have no fear, and have bones made of tungsten. In fact any bike weighing something around 300lbs is going to be the same in the dirt. It’s just that amongst a field of crap off-roaders (with the honourable exception of the 990), the Stelvio is slightly crapper than the rest.

In sales terms, it won’t work. KTM have an off-road heritage and a hooligan image people like. The GS is a market-leader in this area in much the same way as air the market leader in the breathing-in market. Guzzi has no commonly understood history in making off-road bikes, a brand image which is more about men with beards standing in fields discussing widgets than power-sliding across African bush, and a messy history in the reliability stakes (which, when you’re asking someone to find around £10k for a bike, means a lot).So, it’s doomed. But it needn’t be this way. There is another path.

I’ve had an 08 Stelvio for a while now. It’s my first Guzzi (I tell you this because I want to be clear that I’m not biased, but actually, genuinely, objective) and it is, I believe, one of the greatest motorcycles ever made for British riders. No exaggeration. It’s my daily transport. Initially for my commute from south London into the centre of the city. Then from London to Oxford. Now through Oxfordshire’s leafy, muddy lanes. I’ve done a lot of miles, often loaded to the gunwales, sometimes light, and in all weathers.

My Stelvio was one of those early ones with the fat 180 rear section (only Guzzi could make an “adventure” bike with a rear wheel too wide for adventure tires and a front too tall for most touring tires, bless ‘em). Once I’d wiped out the hideous Pirelli Scorpion half-way house tires, I whacked some Bridgestone 020s on. I’ve also changed the pipe from the cat-carrying original (the size and weight of Sussex) to a Mistral non-cat effort which is light and sounds fabulous. It’s also more performance efficient. Other than that, and a set of hand-guards and heated grips, it’s standard.

And what have I got? I’ll tell you. I’ve got a pure road bike which eats British roads and spits the pips out. It’s no Fireblade, but it’s not slow thanks to that glorious eight-valve 1200. The seating position is one of the most comfortable of any bike I’ve ever ridden (I can honestly say that I have never, ever, got off and felt stiff or sore, even when properly touring and doing hundreds of miles a day). The wide bars, balance and adjustable (and quality) suspension mean it handles in a way no bike of that size has any right to.

The ground clearance has taken me through pretty much everything, it’ll sit at 90-100mph on the motorway happily with great weather protection, and the feedback from the road (so, so much more than on a GS) is such that whatever the UK’s A and B roads throw at me in terms of mud, oil, drains, paint, tarmac joins and potholes it just deals with the problem and carries on, popping and banging and getting on with the job.

Add to all that the fact that it’s a Guzzi, sounds the way it does, has typically mammoth low-down torque but combines it with an engine which flies around 6500rpm and carries that eagle, and all that it means, and you’ve got something which is both different from the pack and better than it. The marketeer’s dream. Downsides? 30-35 mpg with that pipe on. Not great, but it’s a 1200, massive, heavy and often loaded up. That’s it.

I think Guzzi has accidentally made one of the great all-rounders ever to grace UK roads. The thing which so upsets me is that in their clamour for a slice of GS sales (and the accessory buying which goes with them) they’ll keep driving this bike’s image as an adventure bike - the one and only thing it’s not good at. Typically Guzzi, but not typically Piaggio. So scooter execs, what about it? Let’s have a rebrand and really lead the market in something…

James
Oxfordshire, UK

Further reading

More featured Guzzis / Moto Guzzi Stelvio preview / Guy's Stelvio / Motorcycle Daily Stelvio ride review /

Your Guzzi

Thank you to James for taking the time to write about his Stelvio. At Squadra Guzzista we like to see and read about real Guzzis...your Guzzis. If you would like to have your pride and joy featured simply send some words and pictures to info@guzzista.com ...just like James did!

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